Hey guys, I'm still alive. No,we didn't have scones or crumpets onTuesday...just girlscout cookies orange koolaid. It was fun watching Bee sing and getting the flowerpot she painted for me. She's my precious girl and I feel like I'm missing out on so much of her (and the boys) life right now.

I so wish that I could be open and honest on my blog, but right now I have been silenced. Just know that I seriously need and covet your love and prayers right now. I've never felt this way (phys. or emotionally) before, so I'm not quite sure how to deal with it.
It's a combo of drug side-effects and real-life shit that seems even more hopeless because of what the drugs are doing in my brain right now. I have 12 more doses before they're gone. Right now I'm afraid I'll never have a "normal" life again.

Please hold me up right now because I can't seem to hold myself up right now. I'm having a hard time finding God right now. I know He's still there and waiting for me, but I can't seem to focus on anything but my patheticness right now.

Inkling was once told by a special person when something had happened in her life that that event in her life didn't define her. While in the midst of a 45 minute phone call this afternoon while both of us were sobbing, she repeated it to me. I know this time in my life doesn't have to define who I am if I don't let it. I'm working hard on that right now.

Please pray! I need it!

Tea Party Time

Good morning everyone... internet was down again yesterday for some reason. I went up to the church to get on for awhile, but didn't have time to post.

The doc changed my antibiotic yesterday. Seems the one I was on wasn't really doing it's job, so I switched. Oh boy, at least it doesn't seem to be making me sick.

Bee's preschool class is having a Mom's Tea Party this morning at 10:45. I'm so glad I feel up to going. Bee informed us this morning that she had to look beautiful for the tea party today and so did I. I'm so glad the dress I picked out for her last night was "beautiful enough" for her to wear, but I still have no idea what I'm wearing. Better go did thru the stuff in the closet to see what I can come up with. I hardly have dresses anymore because no one really wears them at the church we go to now or the one we were at in AL. I do have one faithful standby that I bought for a friends wedding about 4 years ago that should work. It's a lite- green-ginghan sundress. We'll make it work. It's just a preschool tea-party after all. I can't wait to go sit on a pillow in a little-tiny-preschool-butt-sized chair, but I wouldn't miss being there with Bee for anything.

We went to Menard's to look at mattresses for Bee's new bed last night. We stopped at McD's to get ice cream and brought it home to sit on the deck outside and eat together. Then we went next door to the neighbors and played outside until almost 9:00. I know that's late on a school night. But it's so pretty at that time of day and in the Eastern time zone, it's still broad daylight at that time. The kids act like they're being abused if you make them get into bed when it's light outside.
I'm sure alot of teachers are noticing tired children in their classes right now. Most of our subdivision is still out playing at 9:00 and even later.

Well, I must go get ready for the tea party.. later! Have a fun day!

Real Quick...

Hey everyone! I just wanted to let y'all know that I'm home and doing pretty good. I feel like I gave birth to a 30 pound baby, but other than that I'm fine. Like Inkling said, no more drains and no more setons. Woohoo! My doc cleaned out the new abscess, (note that I said "cleaned out" and not "drained" like the other surgeon did) and then opened the others back up and did the same thing to them. I really like this new surgeon, she is absolutely awesome and I feel like I have some hope. I have good pain meds and I intend to take them every four hours around the clock for the next 48 hours or so until I'm not so sore anymore. I'll be setting up an appointment with a Crohn's specialist in Indy on Monday morning and hopefully we'll get something more accomplished towards getting on the good meds here soon.

Well, I'm gonna go watch "Night at the Museum" with my family. Yah, I know it's late, but it's Saturday, the kids don't have to get up as early for church as they do for school. Thanks for all your prayers and your comments, they keep me going!! Hugs!!

*after reading that first part again, I realized that it may sound like the setons from the last surgery were removed. No, they're still there, but she did take the old ones out and put in better thread that slides more easily. BUT, there is not a new seton in the latest abscess. That's a very good thing!

Surgery Update On Grace

It's Inkling again. Smart Guy just called us here in Canada.

Grace is out of surgery and resting in the hospital. The abcess was able to be completely cleaned out, and they did not have to insert drains. I'm sure Grace is happy about that. Had her insurance cooperated, she would be home by now, but because they are the way they are, she gets to have a slumber party at the hospital tonight. But she will be home tomorrow.

As for Bee, well, she was her typical charming self with all the nurses and doctors at her MRI appointment. Smart Guy said they were nearly late because she felt it necessary to stop at every nurses station to say hello.

The night before the MRI, Smart Guy had explained to Bee that the doctors were good doctors, and did all he could to put her mind at ease. Apparently, when they met with the anethesiologist today Bee said, "Can I ask you a question?" A little surprised at the boldness of a four year old, the anethesiologist assented. Then Bee said, "My daddy says you are a good doctor. Is that true?" And with that, our little Cinderella/Bee bravely went into her MRI. They will know the results on Monday most likely.

Now I'll bid you all adieu, with my thanks for praying and for hanging out in Grace's corner with her. I'll let her update you all when she's up to it, and will sign off from my co-author duties.

Rough Morning

I'm having a hard time this morning. I'm by myself right now. The boys are at school, Smart Guy and Bee have left for her MRI, and Mom and Dad are on their way here. It was hard saying goodbye to Bee. I had to hide my tears. The only other time I was not with one of my children for something medical was after the wreck last year. I've been at all the MRIs that Bee and Prophet have had. Smart Guy just stood at the door and held me for awhile and let me cry before he left with her. Nothing has ever happened before, but I'm not there this time and I'm scared. She told me that she needed me to be there with her while she went to sleep. Damnit I want this health-crap to be over and done with so I can be a mom again. My boys have been picked up from school by someone different everyday this week and only by Jeff once.

Mom, Dad, and I leave at noon or so to head for Indy for the surgery. It's at the Franscican (sp) surgery center on the southside for anyone that wants to fly in and see me. Ha. I'll be home early tomorrow afternoon. Love you guys!

And Now, In Abcess News...

This is Inkling. Grace's internet is down, and she wanted me to update you all on her health status.

She will go in tomorrow at noon for laparoscopic surgery on the abcess she recently found. Her surgeon thinks it will be an outpatient surgery. Please be praying for Grace. Once these abcesses are healed and infection free, the way will be a little clearer for her to get on the special medication she needs to keep this from happening. We need a God-thing here.

Interestingly enough, Bee goes in for an MRI on the other side of Indi tomorrow at 11 a.m. So, someone from Grace's family will go with Bee, and someone will go with Grace. Bee's MRI has been rescheduled twice, and it takes forever to get in. For that reason, Grace decided to press on with both. So pray for Bee too, that she will be calm and okay even though her mommy won't be with her. And pray that Grace will be able to relax, knowing Bee is in good and loving hands.

One of us will update you all once we know more.

Hey!

Hello friends! Bee and I came over to the church to hang-out in the youth room so we can have different walls around us than our house for a few hours. It's a beautiful day outside. Somehow our area managed to escape the horrible storms that came thru yesterday by a few miles. All of our local channels had thunderstorm things in the corner of the screen all day long and it looked really scarey for quite awhile, but it passed by us with a little wind and barely a sprinkle. We've actually had to turn on our A.C. a couple times the last couple days to cool off the upstairs. The downstairs doesn't get too hot, but the upstairs is stifling.

I cleaned out the fridge yesterday. I was talking to Inkling while I was doing it, so I'm sure it sounded like I was in a cave while we were talking. I spilled blue jell-o in there back in February when I made jell-o jigglers for D.K.'s birthday and never cleaned it up. Needless to say it was close to being a permanent fixture on the glass shelves and on the front of every shelf all the way to the bottom. I knew it was time to clean it out, when we didn't have room for the food that people have been bringing to us the last several weeks. Since I felt pretty good yesterday, I decided to clean it out. It's amazing how good it feels to have a clean fridge.

I gave some two week old chicken leftovers to the dog in one of those "gladware" type containers that it was stored in. He ate all the chicken and then took off with the container like it was some amazing treasure that he was never gonna give back. He was hilarious to watch and there was no way to catch him. He'd toss it in the air and then jump on it as if to "kill it". When I went out the door to get it from him before he destroyed it and left bloody pieces of plastic all over the yard, he laid down in a pouncing position, looking right at me, and held it tight between his front paws. He wasn't about to give-it-up without a fight. He finally did tire of it though and walked away from it. I had to watch my back though when I walked out into the yard unprotected. He's been known to jump on us in his playful moods and forget how big he is. Seeing how he actually weighs more than myself right now, he could do some damage without meaning to. So, the container is away from the dog, but in the trash. He did manage to chew-it up pretty good before I got it back. Oh well!

I have to go buy D.K. some new shorts and shirts. Almost everything from last summer is too short on him. Which is no suprise. Of course, Prophet has most of his stuff from last summer that still fits pretty good and all of D.K.'s hand-me-downs, so he really doesn't need anything. I'll probably get him a few things just so he feels important too, but then again, I'm not sure he really cares at all. Bee's got a bunch of stuff handed down from Cleanin' Cuz's little girl, June, so she's set pretty good for summer. I'll probably just buy her a few little dresses, a new swimsuit, and some sandals and consider her wardrobe set.

Well, girls I have another abscess. I found the lump yesterday afternoon and immediately called the dr. They had me come in to look at it and sent me in for an ultrasound this morning to see if it was an abscess or a cyst. I was hoping for a cyst, but it's an abscess. It's small, only about about 1cm at this point, so they won't do surgery on it. Hopefully antibiotics will take care of it, but we just have to see. On a better note, after they took the drains out on Monday, the flossing got much easier. It only takes about 2 minutes to do both sides instead of the hour or so, it was taking before. And the pain is much better. This new abscess doesn't hurt very badly at this point, and I'm obviously hoping we can get it under control before it does start hurting like the other did. I'm probably gonna have to go on a stronger antibiotic though which I know will make me sick. I'm supposed to call the surgeon down in Indy tomorrow after she gets the report from the ultrasound and see what she thinks about it. She may have other plans. I just wish I could get on the good medication. The good stuff should prevent this from happening, but the problem is that I have to be completely infection free in order to start them.
If we can't get the abscesses to clear-up before another one starts, then it could take forever to get started on the new medication. At this point, I'm just sick of this. I want it to be over or at least on it's way to being over. I want my life back.

The boys have a field-trip next week. I'm praying I feel well-enough that day to go with them. I know it'll wear me out, but I really want to go with them. I told their teachers that even if I do go, I'm not going as a chaperone, I'm going to be with my boys and I don't want to be in charge of a group of kids.

Well, gotta go! Later!