Thursday, May 31, 2007

My God

Our God is bigger than this whole situation. He's bigger than the people who broke promises. He's bigger than my hurt. He's bigger than Smart Guy's hurt. He's bigger than our children's not understanding. He's glorious and he has saved the day with this new job.

My Glorious

by Delirious

The world's shaking with the love of God
Great and glorious, let the whole Earth sing
And all you ever do is change the old from new
People we believe that...

God is bigger than the air I breathe
The world we'll leave
God will save the day and all will say
My glorious!

Clouds are breaking, heaven's come to earth
Hearts awakening let the church bells ring
And all you ever do is change the old from new
People we believe that...

God is bigger than the air I breathe
The world we'll leave
God will save the day and all will say
My glorious! My glorious! My glorious! My glorious! My glorious!

God is bigger than the air I breathe
The world we'll leave
God will save the day and all will say
My glorious!
Ya know what? This church really needs our prayers. I'm scared that it could get really nasty as this whole thing comes out. There are many, many people there that we love and don't want hurt. The fact of the matter is that there are only about 12 people involved in this decision process. The rest of them are (were) clueless that this was even going on. We are feeling loved and supported right now. Between our families (Jeff had to peel his mother off the ceiling last night via the phone, if you know anything about his mother is that she's generally a very soft-spoken spirit, but last night I could tell by his tone that she was ripped), our volunteers and parents who have found out, the church staff (minus the senior pastor), Smart Guy's "Youth Ministry Exchange" forum, our friends, and my blog family, we have support and prayers that are immeasurable. Thank you!

Smart Guy is over at the church packing up his office.(during office hours as instructed by "the powers that be".) I can only imagine how he's feeling as he takes his pictures down and packs up his books.

Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Cute Bras

This afternoon, Bee lifted her shirt, pointed to her non-exsistent breasts and said "Mommy, when I get big like you will these stick out?" I said "Yes Bee they will, why?" She said, "Because I want to get a new bra like you did the other day, a really cute one."

Okay, can I just say I didn't see that one coming. It was all I could do not to bust out laughing at her seriousness about the whole thing! She can't possibly grow up this fast.

She brought me one of her teddy bears to sleep with tonight if the monsters come while I sleep tonight.

The entire clan is currently asleep on our bedroom floor. That means that there are six warm bodies breathing in here right now. They all know this has been a rough day and I think they just felt the need to be near us.

The alarm clock isn't set. The boys don't have school and Smart Guy doesn't have to go into the office until later to pack up.

The kids, Bowz, and I head for Mom and Dad's tomorrow afternoon until next Thursday. We will get to see Inkling while we're there. Have I mentioned lately that I can't wait to see her?


Wow, What a Day!

I have a headache. This is what happens to this brown-haired, brown-eyed girl when she spends part of every waking hour in a day crying to some degree or another. Today has been a tough one in a couple different ways. First it was the boys last day of school. While this seems like a normal every year thing that shouldn't evoke emotions in a normally stable person, this year is different...

We are once again moving. This was the last day the boys will ever attend school in that building. The feelings of guilt inside me are eating me alive. Prophet cried a few different times during the day as he said goodbye to his friends. D.K. never did cry, which is funny because he's normally the dramatic one of the two of them. I made sure they were both able to say goodbye and hug their teachers. I took about 80 pictures of them and their friends, the school building, their classrooms, the outside of the building, and the playground to put together an album representing this year of their lives. I am so heartbroken for them. They are worried they won't make friends at their new school. Every teacher that I've talked to at the school during the last few days has been very encouraging, saying how well-adjusted our boys are and that they know they'll adjust easy in a new school because they adjusted so easily here. That makes me feel better. After school when we were all standing in the hallway saying our goodbyes and crying, the vice-principal came over and hugged the boys and I and told me that she moved 11 times growing up and went to almost as many schools. I asked if she was an army brat and she told me that she's a minister's kid. She seems normal enough. Maybe there's hope that this won't effect them as much as I'm afraid it will. Both the boys were excited about the fact that they had something in common with her. They both talk about her all the time and think she's cool.

So yes I'm finally telling the world our big knews. No, I'm not pregnant. The insurance issues with our current church were not able to be resolved. We were promised group insurance that would cover me and my preexsisting conditions starting in January when the church conference insurance opened up for new employees, even given quotes on how much our 40% of the cost would be. They found private policies to cover us in the six or so months before that. The kids and Smart Guy had Blue Cross Blue Shield policies, but with Crohns, private insurance companies blacklist you. We did find one company that would take me, but it's a lousy policy and has no prescription coverage. Starting this past January, we all were supposed to be moved to the church conference group policy and by HIPPA laws they have to cover my preexsisting conditions. In December, the "powers that be" at the church, suddenly decided that it would cost the church too much money to pay for it and backed out of their promise for the group insurance. After much prayer and pleading with them, they have done nothing to help us out at all. We have been thru a colonoscopy,three surgeries, three hospitilizations, numerous dr. visits, lots of lab work, and a ton of prescription meds with lousy insurance coverage and no prescription coverage at all. The committee (SPRC) decided last week that they believe that they have met their committment to us regarding insurance and that we have not done our job to make sure that I'm getting everything covered (ex. calling all the drug companies to get free drugs so they don't have to feel guilty about the fact that they backed out of their promise to us). We have indeed called the companies and have indeed been approved for one of the most expensive drugs when I'm ready. They don't know this because they have not asked about it and have just accused us of not doing anything for ourselves. They have told us that we have to recognize the fact that insurance doesn't cover everything and that we all have to be increasingly resposible for more and more of our own medical costs. DUH! We are just now coming out of a horrible debt because almost ten years ago when our precious oldest child was born, insurance didn't cover everything. We know that already, we aren't stupid! They told us that it is "too premature" to ask for or to expect any help from the church because we don't know what all the bills will total after they all go thru the insurance. Pardon me, but I thought that the job of the local church was to step-up and help ease the burden when there was a family known to have an incredible need. While the people of the church have brought many, many wonderful and very appreciated meals, not a single person has addressed the financial aspect of any of this. The fact of the matter is this.... we have recieved checks from people who don't even personally know us, churches ten hours from here that held spaghetti dinners in our name, family members, church friends from Alabama, a mens' prayer group that met in OH one morning and had us on their prayer list, decided they needed to collect money to send to us. The very first check we recieved was from Farm Fairy. She has only known me since November and never actually met me. We've never even been fortunate enough to hug one another, yet she saw a need in someone she had come to love and immediately jumped on it. I'm not by any means asking for or saying that I expect money from anyone, don't misinterpret that. I'm merely saying that while many others that aren't even around us on a daily basis saw and see the need and have very lovingly given of the little that some of them have, our own church somehow has made us feel like by asking them to come up with a solution to this mess that's been caused by their lack of committment to a promise they made, that we are being somehow greedy. They very much made us feel that we were irresponsible and didn't do our part. This is simply not true. They did not keep their promise. This is not a matter of opinion or something to be decided and discussed. We were given a promise, and they did not keep it. This is a yes/no thing. They either provided the insurance or they didn't... they didn't.

After weeks of not keeping us informed about anything be discussed concerning our family, two SPRC members asked Smart Guy if he had five minutes to spare on Sunday morning to inform him of their decision that they felt they had met their committment to us. As if Sunday mornings aren't busy enough. For anyone reading this that may want to discuss a business matter with a church staff it sometime other than a Sunday morning. That morning is already busy with Sunday school classes being taught, helping with the worship service and parents wanting info about upcoming trips and such. Then if they can shut down their minds long enough, they try to get in some meaningful worship. I was appalled that they did it and when I asked them why it was done that way, the head of SPRC told me that because he owns his own business that he had a lot of time away from his family during the week and didn't want to take away anymore from them. I let him know that it was a very, very poor decision on his part. He actually did apologize, but that doesn't mean we'll ever get that Sunday morning worship time back.

After they told him that they had decided they had met their commitment to us, Smart Guy resigned on the spot, two days earlier than planned. Their first question to him was "how will you support your family?" Suddenly they cared. He took great delight in telling them that he already had another position with full medical coverage.

For those of you that haven't recieved an email or forward from me in the last few weeks, we have found another position. The Lord provided us with a new ministry when we needed it. I have come to accept it. I can feel the prayers that have gone up from many of you in the last few weeks as this has been occuring. Thank you. This new job has about the same base salary, but they pay for all the insurance (no 60/40). It's group insurance from the very first hour he begins working for them. This particular denomination has all of it's staff in the entire country under the same policy making it easier for them to keep down costs. What a concept,why don't the rest of the denominations follow suit?

So in one month we will be moving to OH to start a new chapter in our lives. We've starting packing. I do a little at a time and rest. I get tired quick. Smart Guy has been working on getting the garage packed up. The kids have been told and really took it pretty well.

The church staff that hadn't figured it out yet, were told today at the staff meeting. Then at 3:00 this afternoon, two members of SPRC who had scheduled a meeting with Smart Guy to discuss the logistics of how to tell the church. They walked in and told him that his resignation is effective immediately (as in today) and asked for his keys. WHAT? He has to clean out his office during office hours and is supposed to leave no questions asked or answered. He's supposed to go to church camp with a big group of kids and youth staff on Friday. He's the youth pastor, he's the one that knows what going on and he's not supposed to go. How does it make sense to leave your youth sponsors and kids high and dry with no explanation? It's not happening. He's going on that trip. He'll probably drive behind the bus and follow them down so he can be there. It's not fair to the kids not to be able to say goodbye. It's also not fair to my husband who loves them and had no plans to leave them. He's continued planning for next fall and getting everything in line, just hoping that maybe by some chance things would fall into place. I so wish they had.

Our phone rang off the hook this afternoon as word got out amongst the staff and a few others that SPRC had pulled this premature telling him just to get out as if he's in the wrong. We had one of youth sponsors over here for awhile this evening letting us vent. Everyone is on our side and supporting us. This could unfortunately cause a big problem in the church as people begin asking why we are leaving/have left. Most people (probably 99%) in the church have no knowledge that there is a problem at all as I've only shared with three friends. Although SPRC apparently thinks I was running my mouth because they had our senior pastor tell Smart Guy to make me control myself and not talk about the issue with anyone or he would be fired. If it had been shared with the rest of the church, I feel very strongly that the problem could have been resolved and we wouldn't be leaving to start a new life... AGAIN.

BUT, God has provided a new ministry at a time when we needed it with benefits that we need. We are thankful for that. Now I have to work on building the road towards forgiving this very small group of people responsible for this. Thanks for your prayers, keep 'em coming, we still need them.

p.s. I went to my surgeon for another follow-up yesterday. We went to the right place this time. She said I look great. The setons are doing their job and I'll be able to start the good meds soon. Once again, thanks for all you prayers.
p.s.s. for those couple of you at church that read this and don't about any of this yet, (although you had to know it was a possibility) I apologize. I've waited long enough and had to post it. I love you guys and hate that this is happening.

Who Am I

This is an amazing song by Casting Crowns. I sang it two summers ago at the West Virginia State Christian Endeavor conference when it was at Smart Guy's home church and the words live in my heart at all times. I wish I could put the video on, but everytime I get on youtube, my puter shuts down on me. So here's the words. Read them. Think about them. If you know the tune, sing it quietly to yourself. How is it possible that the One who created everything around me calls me His and cares about every hurt and struggle within me? I still don't understand how little ole me has such an amazing Creator. In light of today's happenings, I will be meditating on this song and claiming it.

Who Am I

Who am I, that the Lord of all the earth
Would care to know my name
Would care to feel my hurt
Who am I, that the Bright and Morning Star
Would choose to light the way
For my ever wandering heart

Not because of who I am
But because of what You've done
Not because of what I've done
But because of who You're

I am a flower quickly fading
Here today and gone tomorrow
A wave tossed in the ocean
A vapor in the wind
Still You hear me when I'm calling
Lord, You catch me when I'm falling
And You've told me who I am
I am Yours, I am Yours

Who Am I, that the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love and watch me rise again
Who Am I, that the voice that calmed the sea
Would call out through the rain
And calm the storm in me

I am Yours
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
'Cause I am Yours
I am Yours

Sunday, May 27, 2007

I'm So Vain

Okay, so we go out to the car after church this morning. I bend over to look at something under the van and see my legs. It's been about two weeks since I shaved them and I wore capri (crop - don't know the diff) this morning. My legs are pasty-white and hairy...oooooooooooo gross! Thankfully the lights in the sanctuary are always dim. I know I'm pathetic, but I have this thing with my own hairy legs in public.

Bad Morning

Okay, so I hate the thought that I'm one of THOSE moms that could be yelling at her children, hear the phone ring, and then answer in a sugary sweet "nothing is wrong here" kind of voice. That's just what this morning has been like. Smart Guy left for first service around 7:30 or so. I got up shortly afterwards with plans to leave with all three children at 9:30 and make it to Sunday School this morning. I basically had 1 hour and 45 minutes to get myself and the kids up, dressed, primped, fed, and out the door. No problem, I've done it in much less time than that. But on this particular morning, the cards seemed stack against me. There wasn't anything specific that jumps out at me that caused us to be crazy...well, Prophet spilled milk all over the floor, and oh yah, Bee dumped strawberry applesauce all over the floor, and then there was the lotion incident right before she was supposed to be getting dressed. Have I ever mentioned that Prophet and Bee fight. It drives me crazy. Everything is a competition between. If I ask someone to turn of the tv, they both jump up and run for the button, Bee screaming all the way. If I ask someone to let the dog out, they both jump and run for the door, Bee screaming all the way. In case you've forgotten Prophet is 9 1/2 and Bee is 4. There should be no competition. They argue about everything. The other can never be right. So all morning they fought. I could here them all the way upstairs when they were downstairs. The funny thing is that D.K. usually stays out of all the fighting, which is odd since he's the dramatic one of the three.

So, I decided that as soon as I dropped the kids off in their classrooms, I was heading towards Smart Guys office to be alone during Sunday School. When I got here, he was in here, which he never is during S.S. with two members of the long forgoten SPRC having some kind of chat. Can't wait to here what was so important that after not talking to him or responding to anything for months now, they thought they had to interupt his already busy Sunday morning with a chat!

Friday, May 25, 2007

Bye, Bye

Remember our baby birds? Well, they disappeared one morning last week. They were there when I checked when I got out of bed. When I looked again a couple hours after my shower, they were gone. The nest is empty. I'm sure something got'em and dined on them, but the kids have decided that the mama bird didn't like being out in the open during the storm the night before and decided to move them to better cover.

That's their story and they're stickin' to it!

Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Our Internet is Back

Hey everyone! Smart Guy decided to check to see if our internet was back on right before he got into bed, and it was, so here I am finally. Do any of you have Verizon as your server? We do and we are very unhappy with them. Everytime we turn around something.... satelite, phone, internet is being turned... never all at once and not for any reason that we can actually figure out. We are soooo done with them when our contract is up next month!

Well, I'm doing pretty good right now. The right seton has been really, really sore for a few days now. I have another check-up with my surgeon in Indy tomorrow. Hopefully she'll look at me and decide I'm healing and don't need anymore meds or surg. When I took my last antibiotic last week, Smart Guy and the kids took me to Red Lobster for dinner. It actually looked and tasted good. I had my usual shrimp! We picked the boys up from school and went straight there. I think we'll go out early from now on. We had the entire place practically to ourselves. It was really cool. The waitress was able to stand and chat with the kids, or should I say listen to Bee tell her our life story and wasn't rushed at all.

Friday we traveled to IL to see my mom graduate from college. It was awesome. She's been working on it for 38 years. She's such an example to me and hopefully all other women out there that life goes on during and after mothering. She was the only one who raised in her arms up in the air in victory as her named was called and walked across the stage to get her diploma. I'm tearing up just thinking about this victory for her. She had a bunch of people there cheering her on. Family and friends both. We all went out for pizza at my favorite midwestern pizza place... Monical's... afterwards. I got to see my brother and sil for the first time since the family reunion back at the beginning of November. I can only imagine how different I looked to them. I've lost 30 pounds since Nov. when they saw me. The next day, my aunt and uncle from Nashville were also in town, so we all went out to lunch together. I love being with my family. Unfortunately we are all so spread out nowadays that it's rare for all of us to be together at the same time. That's why we try to do the family reunion at least once a year and even then we don't usually all make it. Last Labor Day all but two cousins were there. It felt so good! I want my kids to have those memories like I do, but when I was a kids, ALL of us lived within a 15 minute drive from one another until I was in middle school.

Bee and I put together a little tabletop fountain for our bedroom yesterday. Right now the only sounds I hear are the click of the keyboard and the fountain flowing. It's so soothing. We actually slept with it on all night last night. I was afraid it would bother Smart Guy, but he apparently likes it too.

We cooked out tonight. Marinated pork chops, broccoli salad, (which I'm regretting), cucumber salad, and baked potatoes. Yummy! Bee was a big help while we made the salads this morning. She stood in a chair and put everything in the bowl and stirred as I chopped. I make my broccoli salad a little different than most. First I use cauliflour too and tear it all up in small, Bee size bites. Chop up red onion really fine. Then I use chopped grapes because I do not like raisins, and I use a bunch of chopped smoked ham instead of bacon. It's more filling. I'm gonna add some grilled chicken to it tomorrow and finish it for lunch if I'm not to desparately miserable all night from eating from the bowl all night. Thankfully I'm not one to put a ton of that sweet, fattening dressing on like some recipes call for, so at least it was somewhat healthy, although painful on the gut.

Well, there will be a big announcement on here sometime next week. I wish I could spill now, but we must do announcements in their proper order to avoid the possible issues that could be caused. Some of you already know what it is, but next week it will finally be public!! Goody, goody!

Guess what? Next week Inkling will be back in the states for a little while. I GET TO SEE MY BEST FRIEND IN A LITTLE OVER A WEEK! I'll get to hug her, I'm sure I'll cry. I'll get to watch her love on the Sara Orange Gang. I'll get to sit at the same table as her and have dinner. I'll get to smell her (yah, wierd I know, of course many other things about her have changed, maybe she stinks now :)). I'll get to sit in her grandparents row at church and worship with her! Hallelujah! I'm so excited, I'm giddy! I can't wait! Next Monday it will be a year since we saw each other last. We've never gone that long without seeing each other's face somewhere or for some reason since fifth grade.... oh the torture of it all! Please pray for a safe and uneventful flight for H.D. and her next Wednesday!

I must get some sleep tonight. We're dropping Bee off a friends house around 9:00 in the morning and then heading for Indy for my 11:00 appt! I hope all goes smooth!

I've missed everyone this last week or so. I'm trying to get caught up with everyone's posts. It could take a few days or so! You may have comments show up on posts from several days ago, just bear with me for a few more days. Hopefully our net will stay up now! Love you guys... hugs.... good night!

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Laundry Done

I currently have one load of unwashed laundry left to do. It's a small red load so I think I'll wait another day or two to add a few more things to it before I wash it! I feel very accomplished. Mt. St. Laundry has once again been defeated!!!

BTW... it's even put away in it's proper places!!

This is From Bee

"I have a scab right there." As she points to her ankle.
"I have flower lotion on me." As she puts her hand in my face.
"We have baby birds and a mommy bird. There's four babies, one mommy, and they don't have a daddy."
"I got glitter glue today. It's red and gray and gold and white and blue."
(she's been begging for glitter and her daddy thought this would be a good compromise since it at least wouldn't be able to fall off on everything. At least it sticks to the paper.)

Well, she's off and running again.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Announcing the birth of...

Quads. When we moved in here last summer, I was looking out the side window in our bedroom one day and noticed there was an empty nest on top of the corner post of our privacy fence. I watched it some and never saw anything in it. Then a couple weeks ago, Prophet looked out and saw a little blue egg in it. The next day there was another egg, and then two days later, two more. We've all watched with anticipation and a perfect view from the bedroom window for the last couple weeks. I looked out early this afternoon and the mama was standing in her nest, and I didn't see anything blue peaking out from under her. When she flew away, I could see there was definitely no eggs there, and there appeared to be little pink lumps laying there, but they weren't moving. I was afraid maybe they were dead, but I called the boys upstairs and told them to be quiet. While we sat at the window and watched the nest, the mama came back with food. In a flash, three huge (little) bright orange mouths opened wide for food. It was so cool to watch, even if they are the ugliest little things on the planet. I'm afraid one of them didn't make it because I've only seen three mouths and there were four eggs there. The kids are excited about the new babies.

BTW, mama robin's aren't very protective. Our little mama flies away and leaves her babies alone even if the phone rings when the window's open. She's a little chicken-little.

My Day

I've had a good day (relatively speaking). I've worked very, very hard at staying up today. I rested for about 30 minutes around 2:00 and then got up to work again. If I stay busy, life doesn't seem so awful. The problem is that I'm still pretty fried as far as energy goes, but I have to keep going. I'd rather be exhausted in the evening than mentally warped all day long.

At the moment I am getting ready to put my eighth (I think) load of laundry of the day into the washer. Our master bedroom is cleaner than it's been in awhile. My goal this morning was for the four laundry baskets that have been full of the same clean laundry for the last three weeks to be empty and put away by bedtime. They are and then some. We've been wondering where all the boys' underwear and socks had disappeared to, and lo and behold I got to the bottom of a basket of laundry that my dad did two weeks ago, and there they were. So they now have about 18 pairs of underwear and 16 pairs of socks in their drawer. Much better than the four or five that I kept washing. It's been like Christmas around here today. I have a trashbag with Bee's outgrown stuff ready for my cousin's little girl and another pile of the boys' stuff started for Cleanin' Cuz's little guy. I have discovered that my closet does indeed have a floor in it... who knew.

I got a package from my mother-in-law today. It had an inflatable bath pillow, two candles, a tin of Hershey's kisses, a Chicken Soup book, a really cute cosmetic bag, and a card. It was fun getting an unexpected box on my front porch. Of course Bee had to help me open everything. She was more excited than I was, especially about the kisses.

I talked to Inkling twice today. Talked to Ruby for about two minutes just as we were sitting down to dinner. I'll have to call her back tomorrow to get in a decent conversation. Overall, it's been a much better day! I dread tomorrow morning. I hate mornings anyway, and right now they are near torture, but I have to get up. Please pray that as I lay there not wanting to get out of bed, that I remember today and how it felt once I was up!

Trying Really Hard open,
...candles lit,
...Eden's Bridge Celtic Worship playing in background,
...laundry going, floor mopped,
...blinds open, calls from Mom,
...friends praying,
...Heavenly Father who doesn't give-up on me,
...pushing myself to get out of bed and stay busy,


Sunday, May 13, 2007

To My Fellow Blogger Moms


My Mom

Ya know, I don't even know where to begin when writing a Mother's Day post for/about my mom. She's an amazing woman. She's been thru alot in her life and came out an incredible person.

As a teenager my friends were all amazed that I liked my mom. They were amazed that we didn't fight and that I didn't constantly try to defy her. My friends always did like to spend time at our house because it was a calm place to be. Inkling has said many times that a day in her house is worth thousands of dollars worth of therapy. She's right, I still find myself calmer when I visit her home.

My mom's not actually the same person today that she was while I was growing up. She has changed alot since then. She went back to school. She started her own business. She became a grannie to three great little people. She is much more open-minded to new things than she was taught to be as a child and she has passed that on to me.

Today was a rough day for both of us. For her, mother's day is always tough because of her own personal "mom issues" that she works daily to overcome. This year it was tough for both of us for an additional reason. Some of you know and understand. There were alot of tears today, but I'm thankful that we were together to talk thru them.

Mom, I love you so much! I don't know what kind of person I'd be if it weren't for you in my life. I thank God that I'm your daughter and your my mom. There is no other woman on the planet that I could imagine having for a mom. Our relationship is precious to me. I cherish it now and will always! Happy Mother's Day to the most amazing mom I could ever have! I love you!

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Thank You, Lord

I have a Maker
He formed My Heart
before even time began
my life was in hands

I have a father
he calls me his own
he'll never leave me
no matter where I go

He knows my name
he knows my every thought
he sees each tear that falls
and hears me when I call

Friday, May 11, 2007

Hey guys, I'm still alive. No,we didn't have scones or crumpets onTuesday...just girlscout cookies orange koolaid. It was fun watching Bee sing and getting the flowerpot she painted for me. She's my precious girl and I feel like I'm missing out on so much of her (and the boys) life right now.

I so wish that I could be open and honest on my blog, but right now I have been silenced. Just know that I seriously need and covet your love and prayers right now. I've never felt this way (phys. or emotionally) before, so I'm not quite sure how to deal with it.
It's a combo of drug side-effects and real-life shit that seems even more hopeless because of what the drugs are doing in my brain right now. I have 12 more doses before they're gone. Right now I'm afraid I'll never have a "normal" life again.

Please hold me up right now because I can't seem to hold myself up right now. I'm having a hard time finding God right now. I know He's still there and waiting for me, but I can't seem to focus on anything but my patheticness right now.

Inkling was once told by a special person when something had happened in her life that that event in her life didn't define her. While in the midst of a 45 minute phone call this afternoon while both of us were sobbing, she repeated it to me. I know this time in my life doesn't have to define who I am if I don't let it. I'm working hard on that right now.

Please pray! I need it!

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

Tea Party Time

Good morning everyone... internet was down again yesterday for some reason. I went up to the church to get on for awhile, but didn't have time to post.

The doc changed my antibiotic yesterday. Seems the one I was on wasn't really doing it's job, so I switched. Oh boy, at least it doesn't seem to be making me sick.

Bee's preschool class is having a Mom's Tea Party this morning at 10:45. I'm so glad I feel up to going. Bee informed us this morning that she had to look beautiful for the tea party today and so did I. I'm so glad the dress I picked out for her last night was "beautiful enough" for her to wear, but I still have no idea what I'm wearing. Better go did thru the stuff in the closet to see what I can come up with. I hardly have dresses anymore because no one really wears them at the church we go to now or the one we were at in AL. I do have one faithful standby that I bought for a friends wedding about 4 years ago that should work. It's a lite- green-ginghan sundress. We'll make it work. It's just a preschool tea-party after all. I can't wait to go sit on a pillow in a little-tiny-preschool-butt-sized chair, but I wouldn't miss being there with Bee for anything.

We went to Menard's to look at mattresses for Bee's new bed last night. We stopped at McD's to get ice cream and brought it home to sit on the deck outside and eat together. Then we went next door to the neighbors and played outside until almost 9:00. I know that's late on a school night. But it's so pretty at that time of day and in the Eastern time zone, it's still broad daylight at that time. The kids act like they're being abused if you make them get into bed when it's light outside.
I'm sure alot of teachers are noticing tired children in their classes right now. Most of our subdivision is still out playing at 9:00 and even later.

Well, I must go get ready for the tea party.. later! Have a fun day!

Saturday, May 5, 2007

Real Quick...

Hey everyone! I just wanted to let y'all know that I'm home and doing pretty good. I feel like I gave birth to a 30 pound baby, but other than that I'm fine. Like Inkling said, no more drains and no more setons. Woohoo! My doc cleaned out the new abscess, (note that I said "cleaned out" and not "drained" like the other surgeon did) and then opened the others back up and did the same thing to them. I really like this new surgeon, she is absolutely awesome and I feel like I have some hope. I have good pain meds and I intend to take them every four hours around the clock for the next 48 hours or so until I'm not so sore anymore. I'll be setting up an appointment with a Crohn's specialist in Indy on Monday morning and hopefully we'll get something more accomplished towards getting on the good meds here soon.

Well, I'm gonna go watch "Night at the Museum" with my family. Yah, I know it's late, but it's Saturday, the kids don't have to get up as early for church as they do for school. Thanks for all your prayers and your comments, they keep me going!! Hugs!!

*after reading that first part again, I realized that it may sound like the setons from the last surgery were removed. No, they're still there, but she did take the old ones out and put in better thread that slides more easily. BUT, there is not a new seton in the latest abscess. That's a very good thing!

Friday, May 4, 2007

Surgery Update On Grace

It's Inkling again. Smart Guy just called us here in Canada.

Grace is out of surgery and resting in the hospital. The abcess was able to be completely cleaned out, and they did not have to insert drains. I'm sure Grace is happy about that. Had her insurance cooperated, she would be home by now, but because they are the way they are, she gets to have a slumber party at the hospital tonight. But she will be home tomorrow.

As for Bee, well, she was her typical charming self with all the nurses and doctors at her MRI appointment. Smart Guy said they were nearly late because she felt it necessary to stop at every nurses station to say hello.

The night before the MRI, Smart Guy had explained to Bee that the doctors were good doctors, and did all he could to put her mind at ease. Apparently, when they met with the anethesiologist today Bee said, "Can I ask you a question?" A little surprised at the boldness of a four year old, the anethesiologist assented. Then Bee said, "My daddy says you are a good doctor. Is that true?" And with that, our little Cinderella/Bee bravely went into her MRI. They will know the results on Monday most likely.

Now I'll bid you all adieu, with my thanks for praying and for hanging out in Grace's corner with her. I'll let her update you all when she's up to it, and will sign off from my co-author duties.

Rough Morning

I'm having a hard time this morning. I'm by myself right now. The boys are at school, Smart Guy and Bee have left for her MRI, and Mom and Dad are on their way here. It was hard saying goodbye to Bee. I had to hide my tears. The only other time I was not with one of my children for something medical was after the wreck last year. I've been at all the MRIs that Bee and Prophet have had. Smart Guy just stood at the door and held me for awhile and let me cry before he left with her. Nothing has ever happened before, but I'm not there this time and I'm scared. She told me that she needed me to be there with her while she went to sleep. Damnit I want this health-crap to be over and done with so I can be a mom again. My boys have been picked up from school by someone different everyday this week and only by Jeff once.

Mom, Dad, and I leave at noon or so to head for Indy for the surgery. It's at the Franscican (sp) surgery center on the southside for anyone that wants to fly in and see me. Ha. I'll be home early tomorrow afternoon. Love you guys!

Thursday, May 3, 2007

And Now, In Abcess News...

This is Inkling. Grace's internet is down, and she wanted me to update you all on her health status.

She will go in tomorrow at noon for laparoscopic surgery on the abcess she recently found. Her surgeon thinks it will be an outpatient surgery. Please be praying for Grace. Once these abcesses are healed and infection free, the way will be a little clearer for her to get on the special medication she needs to keep this from happening. We need a God-thing here.

Interestingly enough, Bee goes in for an MRI on the other side of Indi tomorrow at 11 a.m. So, someone from Grace's family will go with Bee, and someone will go with Grace. Bee's MRI has been rescheduled twice, and it takes forever to get in. For that reason, Grace decided to press on with both. So pray for Bee too, that she will be calm and okay even though her mommy won't be with her. And pray that Grace will be able to relax, knowing Bee is in good and loving hands.

One of us will update you all once we know more.

Wednesday, May 2, 2007


Hello friends! Bee and I came over to the church to hang-out in the youth room so we can have different walls around us than our house for a few hours. It's a beautiful day outside. Somehow our area managed to escape the horrible storms that came thru yesterday by a few miles. All of our local channels had thunderstorm things in the corner of the screen all day long and it looked really scarey for quite awhile, but it passed by us with a little wind and barely a sprinkle. We've actually had to turn on our A.C. a couple times the last couple days to cool off the upstairs. The downstairs doesn't get too hot, but the upstairs is stifling.

I cleaned out the fridge yesterday. I was talking to Inkling while I was doing it, so I'm sure it sounded like I was in a cave while we were talking. I spilled blue jell-o in there back in February when I made jell-o jigglers for D.K.'s birthday and never cleaned it up. Needless to say it was close to being a permanent fixture on the glass shelves and on the front of every shelf all the way to the bottom. I knew it was time to clean it out, when we didn't have room for the food that people have been bringing to us the last several weeks. Since I felt pretty good yesterday, I decided to clean it out. It's amazing how good it feels to have a clean fridge.

I gave some two week old chicken leftovers to the dog in one of those "gladware" type containers that it was stored in. He ate all the chicken and then took off with the container like it was some amazing treasure that he was never gonna give back. He was hilarious to watch and there was no way to catch him. He'd toss it in the air and then jump on it as if to "kill it". When I went out the door to get it from him before he destroyed it and left bloody pieces of plastic all over the yard, he laid down in a pouncing position, looking right at me, and held it tight between his front paws. He wasn't about to give-it-up without a fight. He finally did tire of it though and walked away from it. I had to watch my back though when I walked out into the yard unprotected. He's been known to jump on us in his playful moods and forget how big he is. Seeing how he actually weighs more than myself right now, he could do some damage without meaning to. So, the container is away from the dog, but in the trash. He did manage to chew-it up pretty good before I got it back. Oh well!

I have to go buy D.K. some new shorts and shirts. Almost everything from last summer is too short on him. Which is no suprise. Of course, Prophet has most of his stuff from last summer that still fits pretty good and all of D.K.'s hand-me-downs, so he really doesn't need anything. I'll probably get him a few things just so he feels important too, but then again, I'm not sure he really cares at all. Bee's got a bunch of stuff handed down from Cleanin' Cuz's little girl, June, so she's set pretty good for summer. I'll probably just buy her a few little dresses, a new swimsuit, and some sandals and consider her wardrobe set.

Well, girls I have another abscess. I found the lump yesterday afternoon and immediately called the dr. They had me come in to look at it and sent me in for an ultrasound this morning to see if it was an abscess or a cyst. I was hoping for a cyst, but it's an abscess. It's small, only about about 1cm at this point, so they won't do surgery on it. Hopefully antibiotics will take care of it, but we just have to see. On a better note, after they took the drains out on Monday, the flossing got much easier. It only takes about 2 minutes to do both sides instead of the hour or so, it was taking before. And the pain is much better. This new abscess doesn't hurt very badly at this point, and I'm obviously hoping we can get it under control before it does start hurting like the other did. I'm probably gonna have to go on a stronger antibiotic though which I know will make me sick. I'm supposed to call the surgeon down in Indy tomorrow after she gets the report from the ultrasound and see what she thinks about it. She may have other plans. I just wish I could get on the good medication. The good stuff should prevent this from happening, but the problem is that I have to be completely infection free in order to start them.
If we can't get the abscesses to clear-up before another one starts, then it could take forever to get started on the new medication. At this point, I'm just sick of this. I want it to be over or at least on it's way to being over. I want my life back.

The boys have a field-trip next week. I'm praying I feel well-enough that day to go with them. I know it'll wear me out, but I really want to go with them. I told their teachers that even if I do go, I'm not going as a chaperone, I'm going to be with my boys and I don't want to be in charge of a group of kids.

Well, gotta go! Later!