Forgiveness...Forgiveness...Even If...Even If ...You Haven't Asked For It

*this was written last night aroun 10:00. it wouldn't post or save as draft, so it had to be copied and pasted this morning, so the date and time are wrong... so "tonight" is last night and "tomorrow" is today.


"If Jesus can forgive crucifixion then surely we can survive and find a resolution"

That is a line from artist India Arie's song "Wings of Forgiveness". Tonights theme for our Wednesday night worship service was forgiveness. How ironic that three days after the nine month anniversary of our wreck and the evening before what will hopefully be our final mediation that I should have "forgiveness" staring me in the face. This is something I've thought about alot in the last nine months. During the couple months after the wreck, I wanted nothing to do with forgiveness. The anger I had felt good, it got me thru, if that makes any sense. I thrived on it. I hated the man who irresponsibly put myself and my children in his path of destruction. I cried alot. I can remember actually telling people that I was not ready to forgive him yet, but I knew that one day I'd have to. I remember saying that it would happen in one of two ways.... I would either wake up one morning and just know that it was time or I would wake up one morning and realize that I didn't hate him anymore.

Have I forgiven him? Wow, when I really think about that question, I'm not sure. I don't hate him anymore, but I certainly don't want to befriend the guy. I still want an apology from him that I'm sure will never come. I don't think about him and all the things I'd like to say and do to him every second I'm awake anymore. Last summer there was no punishment to horrible for him. I didn't give a "rats-ass" about the guy. I would actually sit and think about what I'd say to him if I was ever face to face with him. I was obsessed with seeing him pay for what he'd done to us... more emotionally than physically. I will never be the same person. That wreck changed me. I now have a flashback that lingers in my mind and flashes at the oddest times. I don't have just an emotional reaction, but also a physical one. My entire body from head to toe reacts. It's the strangest reaction. I now put more miles on my car and use more gas because I pretty much refuse to drive on the interstate. I now have three young children who know what it feels like to hang upside down in a car and relive it everytime I have to hit the brakes because the light turns yellow or I go over a bump or railroad tracks faster than they think I should.

Forgiveness when your still in the midst of emotionally healing from a trauma is very hard. I think I'm on my way. I mean surely the simple fact that I'm no longer planning the Indiana University student's dimise means I'm on my way to forgiving him... or does it? Does the fact that I still think he's a moron mean that I'm still holding a grudge? Because I do. I probably always will. What he did was preventable and he didn't prevent it. Can you forgive a person and still think them a fool? I've struggled with this for awhile and I still don't know.

So, tomorrow we finally go to our mediation with our lawyer to hopefully get the final sum that we will recieve for all of this. Our medical bills still haven't been paid. After four ambulance rides, four emergency room visits, four CAT-scans, a few more x-rays, an 18 hour stay in the ER, a three day stay at Children's in Indi, and then all the follow-up visits afterwards, our bills came to a grand total of about $25,000! All that money for something that took approximately 5 seconds to happen. Amazing! That's our good 'ole American medical system for ya, but that's a topic for another post altogether. Hopefully when we walk out of there tomorrow we will have totally settled that part of it. I don't know, maybe that will help me to move on. I won't have to think about that part anymore, so maybe I'll think about it with less stress.

So, have I forgiven him yet? No... I guess I haven't, but I'm healing inside. The flashback jolts don't come as often and I did drive on the interstate for about 30 minutes a couple weeks ago. It was awful, but I did it. At least I'm not so filled with the hate anymore. I would like for him to look me in the eyes and say he's sorry, but I have to get over that. I know I have to forgive him... afterall, if Jesus can forgive crucifixcion, I can surely forgive something that didn't cause death or permanent damage to any of us.

Please pray for me (and Smart Guy) as we go into the mediation tomorrow. I tend to be very blubbery where this topic is concerned when my kids are mentioned. If the truth be told, I think my lawyer's counting on that very thing. I can also be a very nasty and mouthy person when I get my dander up. So please pray that I keep my temper and that everything goes smooth as a New York cheesecake (whatever, don't know where that came from lol).

Goodnight, y'all! I love you guys!