My "Near" Faith Crises

It's 12:10, I know I should be in bed sleeping by now, but obviously I'm not!! Everyone else is sound asleep... the only time to have time to myself.

I've had something on my mind for a week or so now and haven't blogged about it for fear of who might read this and think differently of me. After all I was "born in the front pew of the church", have believed my entire life, and have been the helpmate to a youth pastor for almost 13 years nows... I feel like these questions shouldn't be questions for me. Maybe that means I'm putting myself on a pedastal, I don't know. I like to think not.

Anyway, last week I found out about two major "things" happening involving people that were known to have integrity. I guess I kinda talked about my struggle then, but that was just the beginning of it. It blossomed... and then some. I started questioning a few faith issues that I have just simply believed since I was a child, and revisited questioning one from a few years back that simply disappeared from my mind when I just relaxed back into God's arms and trusted him. I want answers now!!

The whole issue of prayer has been a topic for me during this last week or so. Inkling and I stayed up until 1:30 talking on the phone about this issue one night last week. We all say "pray for so and so". Some of these prayers I don't question. I don't question praying for someone who is sick, that there may be healing... although I do question why one person is healed and not another... that's not for us as humans to know... there's always a reason... usually found later after all is said and done... sometimes many years later. The prayers I question are the one's that ask for someone to do or not do something or for something to happen that involves a choice from someone. For example: If I ask God that my children please obey me and clean there rooms. God doesn't make them do it. They have a free-will, God's gift to them, to choose whether or not they are going to obey me. If they then have this free will, what's the point in praying that they'll do it?

Seriously, what's the point in a wife asking God to make her husband faithful? The choice is ultimately up to that husband to choose to do the right thing, right? Does God ever intervene and make someone do something because someone else has prayed for them, thus stripping them of the free will that was granted by God in the first place? Does He put a thought into a husband's head that says "Your wife is praying for you?" and make them "feel" that what they are about to do is wrong? Is that type of prayer more for us humans... I'm more likely to do something right if I know that someone is counting on me to do it that way.

I guess if I believe that God makes us do things a certain way to answer the prayers of others, then I don't see how we could possibly be honoring Him by our actions. I mean, how is it honorable to someone if you are being forced to do something. God is my god because I have chosen to make Him that way. I have the choice, He gave me that choice. If it wasn't my choice to love Him, to worship Him, it wouldn't be honoring Him. If Smart Guy had to love me because I was holding a gun to his head, it would mean nothing to me, but because he loves me because he chooses to love me, it means everything. It's kinda like the child who only obeys because they are fearful of being spanked... I personally want my children to respect and obey me because they ultimately choose to do so because it is for their own good, not because I do something that forces them into it.

God is not a puppeteer. He's not "up there" pulling our strings to make us hand back that extra $5 bill, pulling our foot off the gas pedal to slow down to the speed limit, or telling that husband to walk away from a situation. He's not a slave driver. The things He asks of us are for our own good, to help our lives run smoother and ultimately to worship Him. But we don't have to do them, WE HAVE A CHOICE!

Then that brings up the whole issue of God being in control. On the Sunday after 9-11, I (the good little youth pastor's wife) got up and sang in front of the church a song that I had always loved... Twila Paris' "God Is In Control". I cried, everyone in the congregation cried. It made us all feel better to think that God would save us, that He was still in charge of the situation. I sang, but honestly it was just a bunch of words. God was not in control during 9-11, the people who chose to use those airplanes as huge bombs were in control during 9-11. They were practicing that free-will that God has given to us. Unfortunately they used it to the cause pain to many people all over the world. Again, He's not a puppeteer.

There's such a fine line between my free-will and God knowing everything that I will ever say, everything that I will ever do, every place I will ever go, and every person I will ever influence... I guess that's my struggle... where is that line?

So, while I'm having a faith struggle, it's not a complete faith struggle... I'll get thru it... I may just have to once again sit back and relax in God's arms and allow myself to trust the faith I have in Him to get me thru the next few years until it comes up again... until then I still believe that God is my Lord... I'll still pray to Him, the alternative stinks... I'll still trust that He's gonna take care of my family and friends... what choice do I have really... as much as I believe that I have a free-will to do what I please, to chose if I love Him, for myself He runs thru the very veins of my body, to simply get rid of Him would leave a hole bigger than the Grand Canyon inside of me. I choose to love Him, I choose to trust Him. Some questions will never have answers this side of eternity I guess, because I can't seem to get a firm solid answer that "does it" for me from anyone. Smart Guy says I'm making it too difficult. This from the king of theology. I've been known to accuse Inkling of thinking about theological issues to much, making it too difficult... she's been known to think that Ruby and I make it too simple. I like the simple way better, it's easier. Did God ever really intend for "this" to be so hard to figure out? Oh, I'm just ramblin' at this point, I can't get down what I want to get down...

*Feel free to give me your opinions, IF 1. you love me 2. you consider me a friend 3. you're not going to berate me.